Conditions of expanse
Algebraic equations of death
… in an altered time my breath catches yours my question to myself what poem would I have written if what has happened already hadn’t already happened what song would my throat have sung in between the notes moving with the breath of breath … what dance have danced me …
when i began this blog i felt as if COVID-19 stalked us, lurking behind doors, entering through keyholes —
when i began this blog the first thing i asked myself every morning on awaking was how many had died —
when i began this blog i once lay in bed and counted the number of lovers i had had and laughed —
when i began this blog i felt as if our fear petrified us —
when i began this blog we cowered behind our doors —
when i began this blog people baked sourdough bread —
when i began this blog I didn’t —
when i began this blog i thought of the Mazda advertisement with the refrain “Zoom, Zoom, Zoom” when i first heard about Zoom —
when i began this blog i had not yet come to hate the word pivot —
when i began this blog my mother and father were both dead, yet i was not an orphan —
OTTAWA URGED TO SANCTION CHINESE OFFICIALS
Life is what it is about …*
when i began this blog i had two brothers and one living sister who does not speak to me —
when i began this blog people gave each other a wide berth on the
streets —
when i began this blog I fell in love with Audre Lorde’s words and wisdoms all over again —
when i began this blog i had to use the master’s tools —
when i began this blog i wanted not so much to dismantle as to destroy the master’s house, with or without his tools, and by any means necessary —
when i began this blog i enjoyed making white folk step off the sidewalk —
when i began this blog i did not know who George Floyd was —
when I began this blog i knew that Minneapolis was in Minnesota and that the source of the word was Indigenous —
when i began this blog i did not know that the Minne in Minneapolis was a Dakota word meaning water —
when i began this blog i did know the word Minne ha-ha and I loved the sound of it —
when i began this blog i combed my hair every day —
TRUMP STEPS UP CHINA OFFENSIVE
If we were not so single-minded
about keeping our lives moving …*
when i began this blog my greatest fear was being in an airplane that was flying through
turbulence —
when i began this blog i mourned and rejoiced —
when i began this blog my toes were painted ox blood red —
when i began this blog Black lives mattered —
when i began this blog the idea that police forces should be defunded or abolished was unheard of —
when i began this blog Aunt Jemima still appeared on pancake syrup bottles —
when i began this blog the statue of the former slave owner Edward Colston had not yet been thrown into the Bristol Harbour —
when i began this blog three young Black girls had not yet danced on the plinth on which Colston’s statue stood —
when i began this blog I had no idea what deep and visceral satisfaction I would get from watching statues topple —
when i began this blog no statues of Robert E. Lee had been removed or pulled down —
when i began this blog all the statues of King Leopold were intact in Belgium —
when i began this blog the statue of Christopher Columbus in Baltimore had not yet reached its expiry date —
The obelisks of ancient Egypt represented the benben,
the primordial mound upon which the god Atum
stood at the creation of the world. ...
The Egyptians believed a day would come
when the gods would die and all
would return to the uniformity of primordial chaos.
— Ancient History Encyclopedia
when i began this blog the state flag of Mississippi had not yet been finally furled —
when i began this blog the Confederate flag still flew at NASCAR —
when i began this blog, we feared a virus that appeared to stalk us —
when i began this blog the populace sheltered in place or were shut down or locked down —
when i began this blog we did not wear masks —
when i began this blog the land had already been stolen —
when i began this blog the people had already been stolen and brought across the black waters —
For the artist Michael Parker, the unfinished obelisk
raises questions about hierarchy, failed power structures,
and the relationship between the power of a single person
who commands over many.
— Maggie George (KCET)
when i began this blog the owners of the Washington Redskins did not intend to retire the name of the team —
when i began this blog the owners of the Washington Redskins believed that the name would remain for another hundred years —
when i began this blog time appeared to have come to a stand still —
when i began this blog time appeared endless —
and for once could do nothing, …*
FIRM SAYS NEW TEST DETECTS VIRUS IN 5 MINUTES
when i began this blog Black Lives Matter did not have majority support among Americans —
when i began this blog Gwendolyn Brooks had already described John Cabot going “down in the smoke and fire / and broken glass and blood” —
when i began this blog i had only seen a police precinct under attack in movies —
when i began this blog America was the most powerful country in the world —
when i began this blog Gwendolyn Brooks knew that John Cabot would ask the the Lord for forgiveness not for himself but “these nigguhs that know not what they do” —
when i began this blog there was first the land, then the land and next the land and my is-land —
CANADA, US MAY EXTEND MUTUAL TRAVEL BAN INTO AUGUST
perhaps a huge silence
might interrupt this sadness
of never understanding ourselves
and of threatening ourselves with
death.*
when i began this blog —
when i began this —
when i began —
when i —
when —
—
Once you move through cold, there is pacific.
Once you move through pacific, there is placid.
Once you move through placid, there is a condition of expanse.
And it was that condition of expanse that held me.
— Leanne Betasamosake Simpson, from Noopiming: A Cure for White Ladies (forthcoming, House of Anansi)
*(All excerpts within the text are from Pablo Neruda’s Keeping Quiet)
(This is my last blog posting and I wish to thank Jessica, Divya, and Kenna for giving me the space to explore my thoughts, ideas, and feelings during a most difficult time.)
Covidian catastrophes: deep, dark places of light